I posted this on my other site, but I wanted to share it here too.

I'm not sure if anyone really even reads this anymore. I haven't posted in three months, but here goes.

I have Endometriosis. After 2 1/2 yrs of wondering what the heck has been wrong with me, it has been confirmed. I had surgery on Thursday, and they found a growth the size of 2 ping pong balls. Gross huh! I also had smaller instances of endo throughout. I finally don't feel like I'm crazy anymore. It took 3 doctors and 2 1/2 yrs to finally find a doctor that was willing to listen to me and take appropriate action.

I must say though, I am still a little depressed. The diagnosis of Endo means that I will most likely always deal with infertility. I could need more surgeries in the future, and I will have a greater risk of miscarriage if I do get pregnant. It's all very scary. Regardless, I am trying to keep cool until I have my surgery follow up about 3 wks from now.

I am also mourning the loss of my belly button. It looks really weird, because that is where the primary incision for my surgery was. I am optomistic that it will again look like a normal navel after the swelling goes down, but I was in tears yesterday when I took of the bandages.

Wish me luck on everything. I'm glad that at least I know what is going on. If GI Joe is right, then knowing is half the battle!

Jumping

I have been a terrible blogger, and I know it. A lot has happened since my last post. First off, my husband is currently unemployed. It's a long story, but he is not at fault. We are hoping, praying and waiting to see if unemployment is approved. Financially, we have been struggling immensely. I have faith though that we will pull through. We may have to lick a few wounds, but we have a roof over our heads and each other. Those are the two most important things.

Because of these issues, moving has been placed on the back burner. We need to be able to pay our bills first. I'll admit that some of my lack of blogging has been due to depression. It's hard to feel happy when people are calling for late payments, and you know that you have to put your plans for the future on hold.

About a month ago, I made a decision. I could lay around and be depressed about a situation I can't control, or I could still work towards something that makes me happy. I went and saw a therapist. It gave me a chance to vent and take some of the pressure off my husband. I also decided to pursue my dreams on a smaller scale for now.

I'm auditioning for a band on Thursday, and I'm scared to death! I can sing, but I'm not sure I can sing the way a rock band would want their lead singer to sing. I almost lost it last night because I can't get "the broadway" out of my voice. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter. If I never jump in, I'll never know what it feels like.

I wonder sometimes if everyone who makes a big step like this gets scared. I wonder if waning confidence is normal. I think it is, but I'm not sure. The good thing is that I'm good at faking it. I'll go to the audition. I will be disappointed if I don't get in the band, but I won't be surprised. Wish me luck and let's hope for the best!

Plans

My husband and I have been talking a lot about our future. It seems that God has not put children in our immediate future and maybe there is a reason for that. Some of you may not know this, but both of us are artistic souls. I was a voice performance major in college and my life's dream was to become an actor. My husband is the lead singer in a band, and really just wants to make a living creating music. Unfortunately, bills, life, and reality have prevented us from even really trying to achieve our dreams.

It has really hit us hard that we haven't been able to pursue our dreams. We are now at a point in our lives where we only have 2 choices, put some plans on hold and go full throttle to try and see how far we can take our dreams, or decide we are too old and give them up and find new dreams.

We've decided to take the first choice. I've come to terms with not having children in the immediate future, and I want to set a good example for children that I may have in the years to come. This means, trying to honestly pursue your dreams.

This weekend my husband and I have decided to do whatever it takes this year to prepare for bigger things. We are both picking up extra jobs to pay off debts and save money. By June of 2011 we are hoping to move to an area of the country that will allow us to pursue these dreams. We will need to downsize our lifestyle and sacrifice, but we don't want to look back on our lives and wonder "what if?".

This is a very scary and exciting decision for both of us. We are expecting some friends and family to think we are crazy, but if you aren't a little crazy, you will never achieve your dreams.

Tough times

I lost my grandfather this weekend. He was a very good man. I will miss him. He was a stroke survivor who still showed humor in many situations. I remember liking the smell of his pipes as a child. He was always a wisecracker and made us laugh. A veteran, good husband, and father of 6 children, he was an incredibly supportive and good man. My consolation is knowing that he is now with my mother in heaven. I'm sure he missed her and I know she missed him.

RIP Grandpa Martin

Resolutions

I always make resolutions but never stick with them. Is it even worth it? I'm going to do it again this year! I have some more personal resolutions but a few I'm okay with sharing.

1. I will not gossip (unless of course it's someone famous since that's a given). I have been pretty good with this. We all have been sucked into gossip and also been a victim of it. I think this is a very important resolution. I will do my best to stick with it.

2. I will not air as much dirty laundry publicly, and more importantly, I will try not to have as much dirty laundry. People are generally caring people, but being negative or talking about problems makes everyone feel bad. It can also breed hostility.

3. I will and must start a routine to manage household chores! Right now we have no schedule at all. This means that some weeks, the house is spotless. Other weeks it is quite frightening! I will spare you the details for your own good. When I had roomates, we had a loose schedule and it worked. I'm going to try and start one. Hopefully dear husband will be on board.

4. I will find more productive ways to waste my time! I play too many games and watch too much TV. To me, being productive is finding other hobbies, reading, exercising, chores, and writing. This will probably be the first resolution I will break.


That's it for now. If you noticed, I did not mention getting in better shape or money. I let that take over my life too much in 2009. I won't ignore these issues, but I need to also focus on more positive aspects of my life.

Ha ha!

What a great day! My coworker had to bring her daughter to work and she is a riot! What a nice break from the everyday monotony of work. I just got a playdoh cookie for a snack!

Boredom

Holy Heck! 3 hours into my Christmas vacation and I'm already bored! Poor M has to work, and I did a lot of the cleaning yesterday! I am working up the motivation to go to the gym. Maybe I could organize the second bedroom!

I can't even imagine what I would be like if I were unemployed. I need to come up with a hobby. Maybe I'll teach myself to knit!